Wallowing thoughts again..

How many notes like this have I made for the past 2 years? Here I am on my third job, was quite contented for the past 3 months, and suddenly I woke up this afternoon feeling so pathetic.

Yes that's how my life seems since I left college..PATHETIC..

I'm not liking the girl I see everyday on the mirror. I can no longer recognize the person I become. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel useless, shallow, unproductive. There's this sinking feeling that what I did for the past 3 years is all afloat and go to wherever the waves of life pushes me to.

Don't get me wrong, I have all respect to every call center agents out there. I must admit, before, I thought it's the most lowly job there is and I will never, ever embarass myself by applying for this job. And look how fate made fun of me, I'm a call center agent now.

The job is fun. The environment, the people, the work itself, it all seems like a big playground to me. No stress, no pressure. A different game this time.

The thing is, I'm feeling like the excitement of this game will soon be gone. For how long?

I feel like I've been procrastinating since I've been here. Well, come to think of it, I've been feeling this way for almost three years.

I feel like I should be doing something. Doing what is still a question I've yet to answer.

The thing I'm most scared about is that, if I leave now, there's nothing waiting for me out there. I know I can never go back to a corporate job. Earning minimum wage, doing a meaningless job I know will get me nowhere.

So what's next for me???

Heartache #2

Playing heartbreak songs, looking at their fb profiles, and writing on my blog...

Yep, I'm definitely hurt. But not much. Anyway, I don't have any right to. I mean he never made any move to indicate that he likes me, right? Right.

I met him barely a month ago. We're on the same training class, sat beside each other for the last 2weeks. He's simple, sensitive, funny, and has a quiet demeanor about him. We became close towards the end because at first I became his nonofficial mentor, and then we began to be comfortable with each other and began to really talk. And we became friends. At least I think we did.

I don't know when my feelings for him start growing. I can't remember when, I can't even remember why. I should have been more aware. I met his type before. And where did that lead me? I got hurt eventually.

And just like before, things happened so fast. Just now, I found out he's officially together with a girl from the other class. I can't believe how dense I was. I should have known.

It's happening again, same story but different names. And I can't believe I'm still the foolish one..:-(

So I'm gonna stop right here. No more heartaches for me.

Green with Envy

I told myself I won't look but I still did. Tigas-ulo talaga..huhu Now I'm so envious. Kainis talaga!

Next work: SAVE! SAVE! SAVE!

Goal: Trip to Korea..=)

Lessons from my past (which I never seems to learn)

Found this note on my phone last night. I wrote this last year I think, but I never got to post it. So here it is.

***

1. No matter how big the gap is between you and an old friend, swallow your pride and be the one to reach out and first to call.
   
2. No matter how bad you think life is going on for you, there is always something to be thankful for.
3. Just by remembering the name of a new acquaintance makes a lot of difference for that person.
4. No matter how big your problem is now, remember that it always passes.
5. Life doesn't revolve around you. Take time to ask what's happening in your friend's life. Listen intently and sincerely. Never make that question an excuse to talk about yourself.
6. It's refreshing to kid around like a child again once in a while.
   
7. Never regret your stupidity and tears from the past. Looking back, you'll realize it made you stronger. And hey, it will seem funny after a while.
8. Take some time off alone. Nothing's more strangely daunting than realizing that you don't recognize yourself anymore.
9. Nothing's wrong with being vain. It is every girl's privilege and right to doll up. Do it now while you're still young and pretty.
10. Thoughts of a happy ending should be left to fairy tales.
11. The best comfy sources in the world is chocolate, vanilla ice cream, and a long hug from an old friend.
12. Never ever give an unsolicited advice just for the heck of it.
13. People usually know how to solve their problems. They come to you just so they can talk it out loud and realize they knew the solution all along.
14. Best form of revenge is to kill that person with kindness.
15. Always say what you mean, and mean what you say.
16. If someone have done you wrong, think of all the good laugh you shared together. Never let one mistake ruin years of friendship.

***

I remember I wrote this during those times that I was feeling really frustrated with my work and disappointed with some of my friends (at my first work). These lessons are really not that a big deal but it is hard earned.

Lessons I have to remember as I walk through this journey called LIFE and ADULTHOOD.

Practrical Mind Won

A few hours ago, I had a chat with a former schoolmate (and suitor, yebah!). We talked about a lot of things, his trips abroad (he's training in the US, btw), updates on our lives, common friends, AND (of all things) my lack of happiness at work.

Him : Kamusta yung iba?

Me : Sila? Ok naman. Working for the same company for the past two years. I envy their
patience but I can't say I'll follow their path.

Him : So you just want to wander from one work to another? :-)

Me : I'm not sure. Basta I won't sacrifice my happiness and sanity for a job security. So
whenever I felt that I'm no longer happy with a job, I leave.

Him : Deep. Can I ask you a question?

Me : (not quite sure now) sure.

Him : What will fill your cup of happiness then? What will make you happy and give you
security at the same time?

Me : (pauses) Honestly, I don't have an answer to that. Wala akong direksyon kaya wag mo
na ko tanungin. :-)

Him : I think you already have a direction. You just haven't found a way to get there. * wink
(good for him)

***

It really got me thinking. Again. Everybody else my age seems to have a concrete direction as to how they want their life managed. Why can't I be like that?

My brain's all so scattered. I can't figure what I really want. I don't know what I need. On top of that, this idealistic side of me is screaming "STAND FOR YOU PRINCIPLE, PRACTICALITY'S OUT OF THE QUESTION!!!" Bullshit that side.

I decided to be practical. Sheesh! I'll just try all right? I'll get a stint in a call center job. Hopefully to save some, maybe go to Singapore or Korea to work after a year. Save some again then have my own business. Hopefully I can endure all these until I turn 25.

See? Coming up with a 3-year life plan is not that bad after all.

Sad..=(

Battle of dreams and principle

I still enjoy this free time yet I'm sick of having no money..=(

Not that I stop looking for a job. In fact, I already have two offers in my hands. One in the salon and nail spa industry and another in the pharmaceutical business. These indecision as to which job offer I would accept kept me awake all night yesterday.

So I accepted both. Geesh!

I really don't know which to take. And I can't help but think (this idealistic side of me) that if I'm having doubts with these jobs then maybe neither is meant for me. Is this a rational way of thinking especially when I now only have more or less 50 bucks on my wallet and the bills are now starting to come simultaneously.

It also bothers me. My mother is now off looking for a call center job. She's 55. She's supposed to be retiring not job-hunting. And here I am playing hotel city at facebook and chatting with friends. My conscience is bothering me big time.

Now I'm thinking. Should I swallow my job and look for a job abroad? Where I can earn triple of what I can earn here in the Philippines.

I have big dreams for me and my family. I want to do a lot of things. I want to travel, to study again, I want to live comfortably. Not lying awake all night wondering how on earth I'm gonna pay for the bills. The way my parents are living for the past two decades.

My idealistic side (a pest at times really) reminds me of the principle I stand for the past years. That job abroad is not an option for me because my country needs me more now than everything else.

But I'm just a tiny speck in a street full of dust. What can I do if I'm so insignificant? And, will leaving the country really be a betrayal? How about my family who expects more of me?

My mother has been hinting about this for quite a while now. Talking about how comfortable her cousin now living in US with her daughter. Who, by the way, married a man more than twice her age. (but marrying for the sake of money will NEVER be an option for me)

Sige ganito na lang. Siguro I'll accept the nail spa job. Then I'll try my luck on a job abroad. If I got accepted then I'll just weigh my judgments then.

See which weighs more, dreams or principle.

Revisiting my blog

Funny how it is that when we're writing off our thoughts to our journals (or blogs in my case), it seems always like "its one hard-earned lesson" everytime we come to the conclusion and press "publish post".

But after reading after some of my previous blogs, it seems to me like I'm living in a never-ending cycle of problems and heartaches. All seems to be repeating itself.

Once again, I find myself :

1. jobless and poor
2. still NBSB
3. still frustrated and wary of where my life is leading me

Feels like I never learn at all. All those insights (whether I realized myself or shared by my peers) never did etched in my mind (notice how thick-headed I am). Because right now I find myself in the same predicament I was one or two years ago.

Nevertheless, there's no point in being negative now, right? People just move on, it's useless to go back.

All I need is to keep the positive attitude that somewhere along the way I'll be better.

Written with a heavy heart

Three more days to freedom. . .

Should have been nice right? But why am I writing with a heavy heart. ='(

Geesh..forget it. I'll write later when I'm in a better mood.

Pre-Resigning Depression (here I go again...)

I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling this way. When all the while, I am the one who chose to leave.

He asked me to stay, didn't he? Or was it all a polite pretense on his part?

Maybe he did want me to leave. After all I'm not that proficient enough. I can openly admit to that. And I'm ashamed of it.

Ashamed because I know that I can give more to this job than what I've ever performed for the past six months.

I just hate this feeling. All of a sudden, it feels like he no longer trust me. All the responsibilities he entitled me suddenly went to someone else.

And that's what I hate most. It's all so SUDDEN. So ABRUPT.

He didn't even give me time to adjust.

Suddenly, I'm no longer part of anything. Even those that I'm the one who initiated, the one who plans, conceptualize and process. It's heart breaking knowing I won't be part of the execution, no longer part of the output.

It's so disappointing. It's breaking me.

Same old frustrations

Isn't it ironic that my last post 6mos ago was all about my job hunting frustrations?

Because unfortunately I'm facing the same turmoil again. Yes, back to square one is your heroine. I'm job-hunting again.

I'll be in my current job for almost 6mos now and I really don't know what's wrong with me. I guess it will be always be me, I'll always find fault in every company I'll ever be into.

I really thank God for giving me the opportunity to be accepted in this job. I mean, this is THE dream job. Being in-charge of a big project, handling marketing on my own at my own pace, basically being able to make decisions on my own. I'm practically handling the operation of the company, plus my boss trusts me (though he finds it hard to be vocal about it).

Just that, my boss is THE hell boss. The kind of superior you only find in your worst nightmare. Get this: his sentence is never complete without his variety of obscenities; his voice is always one pitch higher than a shout; he give instructions one hour before I'm off and expects me to be able to submit it the next morning, assumes that I'll be willing to come in to work during weekends, calls me at 2AM in the morning and shouts at me the next day for not answering; won't give a raise; and this list will go on and on that this space won't just be enough so I'll stop adding more.

There. But the job has its perks of course. I love my job and I love the people I'm working with. Really. I love them though we just met, and I'm more comfortable with them than with those I worked with in my previous job.

But can the dream job really be a dream job if its not perfect? If there's something (or someone) who's keeping you from enjoying it thoroughly?

So now, I'm back to editing my resume, re-conditioning my mind so I can recall how to answer good in an interview, and yes, saving my last pennies till the day I'll find a job again..=(