The Teacup

Im really thanking Mr. Kong for helping me through this time. I've been browsing through his past articles, and not a single one fails to inspire me or realize something. I wish I can thank him personally but the only way I can do so now is to spread his lessons..

Another inspiring anecdote shared by Mr. Francis Kong...

***

The Teacup

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and specially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, “May we see that? We’ve never seen one quite so beautiful.” As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke.

“You don’t understand,” it said. “I haven’t always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, ‘let me alone’, but he only smiled, ‘Not yet’.

Then I was placed on a spinning wheel,” the teacup said, “and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. “Stop it! I’m getting dizzy!” I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, ‘Not yet’.

Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why He wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head ‘Not yet’.

Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. ‘There, that’s better,’ I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Stop it, stop it!’ I cried.

He only nodded, ‘Not yet’.

Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, ‘Not yet’.

Then I knew there wasn’t any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, ‘Look at yourself’. And I did. I said, ‘That’s not me; that couldn’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful.’

‘I want you to remember, then,’ he said, ‘I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you’d have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you wouldn’t survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you.’

***

Dissatisfaction at work, betrayal by a friend, loss of someone we love, etc.., getting through these sure is hard. It will bruise our heart and may at times let us feel like we can no longer move on.

But let's try to remember that God never give us trials that we can't pass. Sounds cliche but true.

I'm trying to learn this day by day. And it's not easy. Adult problems, as I come to realize, are never easy to bear. But with God's guidance I know I can do it. I can surpass it all and break a smile after. And hopefully, all the lessons I'll gather along the way will be kept in mind, and shared to others.

(click for article source --> http://franciskong.com/inspiration/the-teacup/)

Mid-week thoughts

It's a wednesday again, mid of the week. And it's the first day of July, start of the other-half of the year. I can't believe how fast time really flies.

First half of the year is over, next week (July 7), I'll be celebrating my one year stay here in the company. See? I can be patient if I wanted to. Despite all my whinings and complaints I've stayed.

I think it was yesterday when I told Christine I might stay here for the rest of the year. Even though I know that my work here weigh less compared to my other officemates, I still can't bear to leave them, especially now that we'll simultaneously open three of our projects.

My pride is another reason. I want to be able to see our projects open and be able to tell everyone that "Hey! I'm one of those guys who built that!.." Well, not literally you know, I'm not a construction worker. But I'm part of the head group who made the project possible.

Christine said I should be proud. Now that I'm turning 1 year in Eton. She said it's really an accomplishment to be able to last a year for a first job. Hmm..maybe. But I guess I would have feel much better if my stay has been fun and rewarding.

Yes, rewarding. This is the term I've always wanted to attach when asked how my work was. Not "terrible", "frustrating", and "depressing".

They said I should wait. That this is just a temporary set-up. Later on, when all the projects are officially open I'll be given more responsibilities, more chance to explore my capabilities, test my passion, if i'm really meant for this job.

I hope they're right. I don't want to be proven right when I finally realize staying in this job, and company, is really just a waste of time and stagnating myself..

Holiday Calendar for Lovers

Found this website today - http://www.buhaykorea.com/. These past few days i became really fascinated with Korea (its history, culture, and values) what with the Oriental Dreamers Series of Korea and me learning to speak (?) their language. Anyway, this is a blogsite of a filipina wed to a Korean and now residing in Seoul.

I find it really amusing (in fact, me and an officemate we're laughing our heads off and giving snide comments while reading this) and enlightening..hehe Why enlightening? well, I'm really fond of watching Korean dramas and i find some of the scenarios there weird and corny, or out of this world.

I started reading her posts under the "Only in Korea" tag becasue i want to know how Korean culture and beliefs really differ from ours. And I found this one...

***

LIST OF "14TH DAY" HOLIDAYS FOR KOREAN LOVERS

January 14: Diary Day - The day of presenting your lover with a cute diary and a basket of flowers

February 14: Valentine’s Day - The day when girls and women present their boyfriends with chocolate and confess their love

March 14: White Day - The day when boys and men present their girlfriends with chocolate and confess their love

April 14: Black Day - The day when people who have no lovers eat black Chinese noodles together

May 14: Rose Day - The day when lovers present each other with roses to express their love

Yellow Day - The day when those who were unable to eat black noodles on Black Day go to eat yellow curry rice

June 14: Kiss Day - The day when lovers kiss to confirm their love

July 14: Silver Day - The day when lovers exchange silver rings to make a promise for the future

August 14: Music Day - The day of presenting a CD with love songs

September 14: Photo Day - The day when lovers take pictures to keep memories of their love

October 14: Wine Day - The day when lovers drink wine and share love

November 14:Movie Day - The day when lovers go to see a movie holding hands

Hug Day - The day of giving hugs to your loved ones

December 14: Money Day - The day of spending generously for your lover

***

Well there's a disclaimer at the original article (http://www.buhaykorea.com/2009/02/13/14th-of-every-month/) that says some of these holidays are not really celebrated and some of it are just made up by opportunistic businessmen for gullible Koreans.

Anyway I still find it hilarious and ridiculous in a way. But who am I say to question, right? Love is a universal thing and people (and nations) has their own right to express it any way the want to..

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

***

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the was jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “Yes.”

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things— God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions— and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter– your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else— the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

***

Original article on this link --> http://franciskong.com/personal/mayonnaise-and-coffee/

Still bothered..='(

Still bothered over my fight with mama. I'm really deeply hurt with all the things she said. Things that in my ears seems to imply that I pale in comparison to my other siblings, in terms of sense of responsibility.

I admit I did seem to be irresponsible these past few months. There are times that I fail to give money to them. Or do my household chores.And I sometimes prioritize hanging out with my friends at times. But its not as if I do it regularly. I never go out every week, duh!

What bothers me are all the things she said. Said on purpose just to hurt me.

Why do we always say such harsh things when we're angry? I think verbal assault are more powerful than physical. When you hurt someone physically, wounds heal easily. And he/she can defend himself/herself, or they can just run away to avoid the attack.

But when its words, words coming from people you love, trust, and respect, it penetrates deeply. So deep you won't even knoew how long it takes to forget and forgive.
I wanted to run away. But I can't. All I can do is to avoid her as much as possible. I wanted to act nonchalantly but its impossible...

Birthday Bash

Just turned 21 last monday. *sigh* I'm now officially an adult. Geesh!! Anyway, had an advanced birthday bash last saturday. Here are our pics in Bosay Resort, Antipolo City.

ENJOY!!!

MMG taking a pose at the resort's signage



Shower first MMG!






while taking a refreshing dip at the resort's 4 pools

Syempre mawawala pa ba ang videoke sa celebration? lol..=)

Nice pose Peeg!

I just need to post this one, here's Kay and Bals (on the phone..;D)

Jo, Me, Kay

Blow your cake (there's no candle eh..hehe) birthday girl!

Tsibugan nah!!!

Simpleng handa...

***

Thanks for making my birthday extra special and tons of fun MMG! =)

Some things I definitely SHOULD learn...

- When you plan to get even with someone, you're just letting that person continue to hurt you

- The easiest way to grow as a person is to surround yourself with people smarter than you.

- Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile =)

- That LOVE, not TIME, heals all wounds

- No one is perfect until you fall in love with them

- Life is tough, but I'm tougher! (Got to make this my daily mantra!)

- When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere

- One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them

- A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks

- That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what to do about it

- Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. (Miley C., is that you? ;D)

- That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation

- The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done

- When you're in love, it shows

- Being kind is more important than being right

- One should never say "no" to a gift from a child

- One can always pray for someone when you don't have the strength to help him in some other way

- No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with

- Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart who understands

- Life is like a tissue paper, The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes

- We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we asked for

- Money doesn't buy class

- It's those small daily happenings that makes life so spectacular

- Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be loved and appreciated (reminds me of you Kay..;D)

- The Lord didn't do it in one day, what makes me think I can??

***
Thanks Len for sharing this email. This inspires me to make my own list of lessons in life. Will get to that soon..=)

I wish I could just run away

Sana nga pwede na lang ako umalis. Somewhere I will be free.

Free to decide for myself, go wherever I wanna go, do as I please.

Why do we have to say harsh things to hurt those we love?

And afterwards you expect me to act as if nothing happened? Na parang di ako nasaktan sa lahat ng sinabi mo.

Alam ko namang hirap kayo. Hirap din ako.

Napapagod na ko na araw-araw na lang gigising ako ng sobrang aga, magmamadali papasok sa opisina para hindi ma-late. Only to endure the whole day having my boss remind me how incompetent I am, or how he dislike me, my officemates refusing to train me or explain to me how to do better with my job, treat me like some sort of an outcast because I don't matter, my work doesn't matter compared to theirs. And my closest friend at work won't bother to listen to me, she makes everything of me an excuse to talk about herself. I'm sick of my work! And come 7PM, I'm still on a rush to go home. Kailangan kasi umuwi ng maaga, ma-late lang kasi ko ng 30minutes ng uwi, nagte-text na kayo agad kung nasan ako, iniisip na naglakwatsa na naman ako. Araw-araw na lang ganito! Magmamadali papasok, magmamadali pauwi! Hindi ba pwede na paminsan-minsan i-enjoy ko din naman ang pera ko? Para mawala naman ang pagod ko? Lahat ng hinanakit ko sa opisina??

Alam ko din na hindi talaga ko regular na nagbibigay sa inyo. But who said that we shouldn't feel obliged to give? Who said then that just enjoy our job, give something just when you have extras? Sino ba ang nagsabi na naiintindihan nila na maliit lang sweldo ko? Kung alam ko lang na pera lang pala ang problema sana sinabi mo agad. Lahat ng galit mo sakin laging sa pera nauuwi.

"Ang ate mo kahit kakarampot ang kinikita, nagbibigay yan ng tag-500php, 1000php! Nung may trabaho pa yan, parehas lang naman kayo ng sweldo pero walang palya sa pag-abot sakin!! Yung last na sweldo nya andyan na lahat yan sa tindahan!!! Lagi mo sinasabi na wala ka pera pero lagi kang may tinatabi para sa mga laboy mo!!!..."

Let me just explain. I was at the Oriental Dreamers gathering last night. No entrance fee. Our transpo was even paid by Nang Joy. Ngayon eto ba yung ginagastusan kong laboy???

"Ano bang mapapala mo sa brown org brown org na yan?? Wala ka namang mapapala dyan! Kikita ka ba jan???!! Sali kayo ng sali dyan wala naman kayong nagagawa sa bayan! Puro lang kayo salita!!!!.."

I still can't believe she said these to me. All along I thought she's very supportive. I was really hurt. I thought they would all support me with this. The only thing that's making me feel important nowadays. The only thing that makes me feel I am capable of something. All along she never really approved. Sana sinabi na lang nya...

"Napaka-iresponsable mo! Burara ka pa!!
Nadi-disappoint ako sayo!!??!!..."

If that's how you're feeling, well, allow me to say that I am also disappointed. This is the last stroke. I won't say that I will turn my back from all my responsibilities in this family. Because I'm not irresponsible. And I'll prove to you that I am not what you think of me. If you think Ate, and all my other siblings are better than me, so be it. I cannot make you think otherwise. Hindi ko rin ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko...

End of a legend : King of pop has moved on...

Yeah, it was a shocking news to receive so early in the morning.

At 50, Michael Jackson passed away.

Hayy..so sad. Hmm..I can't seem to make an appropriate tribute to him. I mean he was not in my generation and I never really knew him so well. Except for some of his music.

But still, as I said, he was THE King of Pop.

And that makes him a big music icon, a legend in that aspect.

In line with the Beatles and elvis Presley, I think..

And well,despite all the allegations about him, he's still worthy of remembering..

Kudos to Michael jackson!

aND FAREWELL!

Manhater-ism Doubled

If my friends will be asked where can they find a certified walking manhater in this planet, all finger will be pointed to me.

And I will, quite indignantly protest that I am not! I don't hate men. I'm just cautious.

I often said that men are indeed a chauvinistic bunch. All men are born to collect women. All the guys I know still courts other girls even if they are already committed.

Except my father that is. Oh, that was, rather.

I used to have this disillusion that my father was some sort of a saint. Except for his being a perfectionist, I never got the chance to see him making mistakes, any trait impairment of kind.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

See, until now his infidelity still doesn't sink in completely. I don't know if that's the reason why I can't hold a grudge against him. Inspite of witnessing how this affects my mother,our whole family. It's really odd. But it seems like I symphatize more with my father than with my mother. I don't know. Maybe because its clear to me that when it comes to the point wherein we have to choose whom shall we go with, my father or my mother, all of us will choose to stay with my mom. And him? I don't know where he will go. And no way will I let him go with his other woman.

And as what I told my sister, I don't care if he's not telling the truth. I will still believe him. I used to say to my friends that when my future husband do that to me, no further discussion, I will call it quits between us right then and there.

But its different pala if you're the kid. It's better to live a lie than to suffer a broken home. As much as possible, you'd want to keep the family intact. Go on like nothing's happened if possible.

But its much too different when you're the wife. Nothing will ever surmount the feeling of betrayal and cheat by the husband. I can't begin to understand how my mother is feeling. So I guess, I cannot blame her for being drunk almost everyday. For closing her doors to any explanation by my father.

I don't know when the wound be totally healed.

As for me, considering marriage has gone to zero. Since I found out about my father's disloyalty, thinking of getting married always ends up to a scene like this. I can't shake the thought of my husband eventually having another woman.

Now I can generalize that all men are womanizers, no more exemptions. Because even my saintly father is
capable of doing just that...

Here I go again

Welcome to my flip-flop work moods. Just last monday I experienced this ultimate hate feel for my job. That I even considered resigning (big fat hairy suprise..tsktsk). Then Mau came to the rescue by making me believe I matter in this division and letting me join one of her meetings and tour me around our project. And now, here I go again. (big fat hairy surprise, part2).

I'm blaming Sir Bal for this flop. Well, right now, all my officemates are in the conference room, meeting about God-knows-what (I am never informed!). And here I am, taking the time off to blog.

I was blogging/chatting peacefully and quite contentedly, when all of a sudden he asked me this question that never fails to trigger my mood wheel to start turning.

"Ba't wala ka dun? Ba't iniwan ka ng mga officemates mo?"...

Oh please! It's really infuriating. Can't he see that this neglection is already hurting me to the highest level?? This feeling of being the constant left-out is really taking its toll. And yet all people still ask.

Ocular site visit? project groundbreaking? launching? meetings? :: all present, me? left to man the office.

It's too much...

Note: Don't be surprise if next week my mood will be up. Well, welcome to my flip-flop moods...

Me through Balsky's eyes

I'm on self-reflecting mode. How does my friends see me? Is their image of me same as how I envision myself ?

Family Affair

I never thought this could happen in my life. An overused plot in every movies and telenovelas. I've seen it happen to celebrities, read it in the magazines, shared the pain of some friends and even relatives who suffered the same problem.

But not once did I thought it will happen to me.

My father have another woman.

An ex-girlfriend it appears to be. I can't get myself to divulge any of the matters we've discussed as a family last night. It was too too painful.

How does one start over?

When does the healing start?

How can I look into his face again without seeing the betrayal? The pain he caused us too much?

Can one really forgive when the pain won't even be truly washed out?

I'm turning 21 in a few days. I'm done studying. I have a job, not a job I like, but at least I have one. I know when worse comes to worst and we need to break up, I know I can handle it. It will really be painful but I can handle it. Me and my ate can handle it.

We were able to spend more than two decades of our lives living a perfect life in a perfect family. I guess we've had our share of the love and care we needed to lead the rest of our lives. We were happy for the past years.

But how about our younger sister and brother? They barely finish their high school years. They need now more than ever the guidance of a complete set of a family. They'll never understand at their young age why our father did that. I don't even want to think how this will affect their lives and their future decisions.

I'm scared to think of what will happen to us. I don't want to visualize the options set by my mother last night. I don't want to have my family break up.

My family's tearing apart in my face and I can't do a thing to stop it.

Oddly enough, I can't feel any hatred towards my father. Call me naive but I believe every word he said, and I'll continue believing every word he will say. No matter what that woman claims.

Deep inside I'm hurting to see my father cry almost breathlessly. To hear my mother cry in anguish. She'll never forgive my father now. I know, no matter how much she love us, she never will.

It's the first time I ever see them like this. We've had our fair share of arguments, petty quarrels, confrontations..but this one..it's too different.

I wanted to protect them both. Protect them from continuing hurting each other. I want to protect my siblings. The time I cried so hard last night was when I saw my brother and sister cry. See the confusion and pain in their eyes.

It's too much.

How can one woman destroy 24 years of strong bond?

Were we just living a lie? Is it true what that woman says that my father never really love my mother? That all these 24 years he was loving this woman?

I'm starting to think it was my fault. I never been the best daughter to them. Never the best sister to my siblings. I never communicated to God so fervently. I've been too self-centered. Focused on my own selfish problems.

Is God punishing me now? Because I'm really sorry. I know in time I'll suffer the consequence of my actions. But I never thought it will be like this.

I don't want this family to separate. I want to start over.

Though I know, deep inside, it will never ever be the same again...

Three messages

How could I felt so happy last night when all along I was bound to know this devastating truth?

It was two months ago when my parents had this BIG confrontation. Complete with the shouting and complains, blaming each other for that mess. When in fact, to my ears, it was all so simple. I thought it will end soon. And things will turn back to normal. Two months have passed and things just got worse. They no longer talk to each other. Our house, though can still be heard of laughters, still feels empty. My father is a constant hindrance to our complete happiness. We were always weary of his moods, careful of our words and actions, because he gets mad easily, shouting at us over simple matters.

My parents became civil with each other. No more fighting. No more talking. They come and go our house like two strange people. Not like two people once so in love with each other, strengthening the more than two decades of marriage. Then yesterday, my sister came to me saying that our parents were talking upstairs. She didn't caught any words except these : " Sa susunod mo sakin sabihing mali ako.." said my mother.

I asked my mother when she went downstairs if they did talked. She said yes, but won't disclosed anything to me. She just said that she caught him. Caught him what?? I asked her. But she just won't explain anything. She said that what they've discussed was between the two of them only.

And I became suspicious. Because never once did my mother won't relate to us, her children, their problems. She always believed in transparency when it comes to family matters.

That night, I saw them talking, side by side each other on the bed. So I thought, everything's ok. That they've finally straighten out their differences. Finally, we'll be able to go back to what we were.

It was all in vain because just this morning, my curiosity got the best of me. When my father left this morning, I checked on his cellphone. I read his inbox..nothing. I was about to put it back when I decided to check his Sent Items.

I saw three sent messages that confirmed my suspicions. And I was devastated. My mind just got completely blank. And tears stareted welling down my eyes. I don't know how to react, I don't want to think.

All my life I look up to my father. I boast to my friends how I have the best father in the world. Caring, thoughtful, a good provider, very kind, very honest.

All of it was shattered because of those messages.

How could he do this to us? How can he let it happen? Why my family?

In my mind I also can't believe how my mother's reacting. I overheard her tell my father this morning (while I was upstairs changing), to keep his cellphone. Why? Because she's afraid i'm gonna find out? why is she protecting him anyway?

Maybe because she knew she never was the perfect wife material to him.

For Pete's sake they weren't sleeping in the same bed for years! And I just thouhgt it was just normal.

Why is this happening to my family? What's gonna happen to us?

I know now that i'll never be able to look at my father the same way again. I don't think I can give him the respect he deserved.

I don't think I'll be able to forget...

Daydreaming sleep

This weather is really bringing my blues several notches up. On a normal day it usually takes me 15 minutes to force my eyes open and another 15 minutes to sit up and start my day.

Now that the air is biting cold and its raining hard, time used in conditioning (more like forcing) myself to wake up and go to work has doubled.

*sigh* I can just imagine my bed embracing me more, my pillow making themselves extra soft to drown me in comfortness, the distant pitter-patter of the rain outside lulling me to sleep again.

Oh how I long to be in bed right now, with a good book in hand. I'll just make myself a really sweet cup of hot choco, cuddle my pillows, and cover me with comforter.

Oh, sleep-sleep, why are you tempting me like this? Stop yawn, you're not helping.

...Zzzzzzz...

Gushing Gratitude..thanks Pan! :-)

I group-emailed some of my friends yesterday to share with them my misery here because I can't seem to talk to anyone of them on YM. Seems like all of them were busy unlike me.

This was me feeling so miserable with work yesterday:

Hey busy kayo? Hay..wala kasi ko makausap. I just feel so miserable again. One of those work blues siguro. I'm just tired of doing these things. Na wala naman akong na-aaccomplish talaga. I feel so useless and neglected. I'm so tired of this company pero wala namang nag-rerespond sa mga ina-applyan ko . Lagi na lang the vacancy has been filled or you're not the person we're looking for right now. Hayy! Feeling ko super rusty na ng brain ko from not being allowed to function for 11 months. *sigh* Sabi ko nga sa officemate ko kung ito lang pala ang trabahong mabibigay nila sakin, they might as well hire a highschool graduate. Not a degree holder. I just feel like I'm wasting my time here. I gave it siguro 20 chances na. Pero I'm just not happy. Hay naku maz, I know I told you I'll give it a month. Just bear with me for now, hindi ko lang kasi kaya na naman. Feeling ko magwawala ako pag di ko to nailabas..*peace Alam mo yung feeling na you've stayed in one place for several months , made friends with everybody, yet it seems you still don't belong. Na lumipas yung 11months ng wala akong natutunan. I don't even feel like myself anymore. Hindi na ako yung driven and idealistic worker that I think I was before. Yun lang, I feel like I'm losing myself here. And I wanted the old me back..:-(
(Xenxa po, la lang talaga ko maka-usap..hayy>

And this is Pan's reply to my gripes :

There is nothing wrong with trying to make it work. You did great! You were courageous to give it another try for countless times. Like what you told me, some things are never meant to last. If this is not meant for you, gather up all your strengths and faith to move out and face the outside world with a smile. Place yourself as your priority. Do things that will make you happy. If one thing just keeps holding you back, let go. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness for something that is unsure in our life.Everything will be fine, in due time. I always think that way.Everything has its place and that place will have everything that youneed to feel happy and contented.
Tho it sounds like I'm emoting, I think these apply to you too. =)

Thanks Pan! Just when I thought nothing will make me smile, this email did..=)

Desperately seeking motivation

Look, I'm not saying that I'm carrying in my back all the burden in the world and neither am I claiming that I'm the unhappiest and the most unlucky person on earth.

I'm just unhappy with the way things are going on for me here at work. Unsatisfied because it limits me. Because i'm not doing anything that will require me to think. I'm miserable because I'm losing myself in here. I'm desperate because I miss the old me. And I want it back.

And now here comes an email from a friend (whom I've confided with all my frustrations all this time) saying that I should consider myself lucky compared to the sufferings experienced by some unfortunate people in China and Africa.

I know for sure that they suffer greatly and my problem is incomparable to them.

But hello? In the first place, should they be compared?

I don't think so.

I know that she sent me that email to provide me with a perspective that despite my worries, I can still consider myself fortunate. Fortunate to have a job despite the recession. Maybe her purpose is to somehow lift my spirits or whatever.

But apparently I'm not. It just pisses me off.

I know I'm bitching..so sue me!

No amount of encouragement and motivation, I think, will ever make me feel better. I'm just so so miserable.

Please God, help me with this. 11 months of literally dragging myself to work is taking its toll. I just can't take this anymore..=(