Wallowing thoughts

Flashback two months back...

I was in the office pitying myself. Wallowing on the thought that I'm trapped in a job, doing clerical works that I hate. My boss has no confidence in me, my tasks are all too elementary that I thought even a highschool graduate can accomplish satisfactorily. My salary is too low that I can't even afford to treat myself to a movie or buy myself a new blouse. My officemates are not supportive of what I do and treat me as if I'm just a lowly individual they had to work with. All these, while my friends are having the time of their lives at their own work. I mean, where's the justice in that??

Then I was ecstatic, my parents finally gave their go signal that I can resign if I'm not really happy. Or so it seems. So I submit my resignation letter. All too proud to finally leave this crap of an office. Head held up high, too excited to start a new. Because deep down I know, there's a better future awaiting for me beyond this.

Two months later...

Here I am today. Shoes worn out from 3 weeks of job-hunting, only 200php in my pocket, and all hopes of finding my dream job draining out from me. My fighting spirit's almost lost. To add up to that, my parents are just too happy to voice out their disappointment and frustration. Like I'm not disappointed and frustrated enough as it is. ='(

How many jobs have I applied for already? I think I've attended more than 10 interviews already. Only two seems to fit my dream job. But unlucky me, both seems to think I'm just not qualified. And yeah, even those eight don't even bother to call that I got the job. Nope, not even one.

I just feel disappointed with myself. My spirits are dampened from all these rejections. Yesterday I thought I'm all set to work at Pancake. While the manager gave me an overview of what I'm about to do, I'm already imagining myself doing all those. I imagine myself burying my nose in the pile of work, extending long hours, even coming to work on weekends. The job is just too perfect. It's what I want, what I'm craving for right now.

At lunch it seems as if I'm walking on clouds. Nothing will rain on my parade. No one can burst my bubble. I thought "I finally got a job! And a dream job too!". Well, I should start learning not to count my chicks until it hatched. Sheesh..I really never learn.

Oh God! I know you have a plan for me. But please, if it's not for me, help me cope with the disappointment that will surely follow. I think another rejection will cost much more damage than this.

Today is another one of those days

Got an email from a friend this morning. And apparently some of my friends whom were also forwarded with this appreciated it and decided to forward it also.

Quite timely. Because I'm having another one of those days.

I feel down again, wondering what on earth am I doing in here? That if I'm not happy why am I still staying?

And here's this email saying that wherever you are, no matter how annoying or depressing your situation is, God is at work watching over you. That you are exactly where HE wants you to be. And everything that's happening are just the prelude to the main event he have planned out for you.

But God also gave us a deciding mind, right? A mind made to think and analyze, mind to decide what to do given any situation?

That if your not happy with something, or in my case, happy one moment depressed in another, do something about it.

I really need to come up with a decision. A definite and irrevocable decision. Something I should stick with. Something I should never regret nor take back whenever I feel differently.

I am never really sure of what I should do. I'm tired of doing the things I'm doing now. I don't know what trigger this (again!). But this is how I'm feeling.

Suddenly nothing really matters. Everything seems insignificant. I feel small. And unworthy. Tired. Ugly. Depressed. Old.

I'm just so, so tired of it all.

To start a new, forgive your past

"We're almost finish. And I'm famished. When do we get to eat?" I asked. We're almost finished displaying all her purchase from Divisoria. Looking around, I'm quite satisfied. It will be sold out pretty soon, I'm sure.

"You're hungry already? Oh well, wait for me here. I'll buy you something." Lily replied.

"Thanks!"

"Hmm..this is a pretty good business." I mused. "Only a month since the opening but the customers keep pouring through. I wish I can come up with my own soon." I thought wistfully.

I was staring into space, daydreaming of my soon-to-flourish business, when something red out of the window captured my attention.

Oh no, please don't let it be whom I thought it to be!!!

Curly hair, well-toned body, and THE heart-melting half-grin. It was no doubt its HIM. And a close-to-lanky but obviously very pretty chinita girl beside him. I was really in no doubt that its THEM.

Much as I wanted to look away, my eyes seem glued at them two. They really look so happy together.

It's been seven years already. Am I over you now?

I know they've been together for four years now. But this is the first time I see them together. TOGETHER! Holding hands. Looking so happy and contented with each other. And I never thought this day will come.

Oh no, he'll see me any minute now. Look away! LOOK AWAY!!!

Mon did look at me. He look surprised to see me for a moment. But then he smiled.

It seems like ages before I can react. But...

...I smile back. To him and Lianne. Genuine friendly smile.

After seven years, I finally set myself free...

Pep Talk

First thing this morning the Boss called for a meeting. Apparently I was quite surprised that I'm included in this meeting. Usually it's just them.

THEM = all minus me.

And to be honest, it made me nervous. I thought the Boss will scold me for not doing my job well, or not doing my job at all. Heehee..guilty conscience, here I go again.

Turns out it isn't really about me. It's about the whole group. It started with a single question tossed around for everyone to answer.

"Aside from staying at home, what's your next activity to relax yourself?"

And I'm not prepared. Christine volunteered an answer for me, hanging out at Powerbooks. Ok, whatever. I don't usually hang out there on a weekend. I'd rather stay at home, you know. But what else can I say?

Then he proceeded on telling us how the retail industry has a positive response to the global recession. That we have made a good foundation as a group. All have performed their functions satisfactorily, that we're hitting a feasible target. And in time, we'll all realize and see our contributions once we open our projects this coming November and December. He summarized all the things we've accomplished since we began. And shared to us all the projects that we'll look forward to the following year. See? I've really been listening.

I think he did this just so we'll keep at par to the division's, and the company's, objectives. And maybe, to trigger our enthusiasm in the upcoming projects. That hey, we're now on the next phase of the process, soon we'll already see the fruits of our labor.

Hmm..gets me thinking. Am I as excited as they all are for the upcoming opening? I guess not. I don't know..

Errr..guess should stop this hypocrisy. Of course I'm excited. I guess, I SHOULD be excited. I mean, who shouldn't be? I'm part of a fast-growing company, owned by one of the biggest business conglomerate in the country. I'm operating under probably the most exciting development of all the company's projects. Haler! we're building malls! I have an ok Boss (though I really hate his air of aristocracy, grrr!), get along with everyone in my department. I'm part of this foundation, one of the pioneers. I have every reason to be proud, right?

Right! So please, please be happy with your work na!!!!

What too much importance can do to you

When you're given lots of responsibilities...
When lots of people depend on you to perform their functions...
When you just feel so important...

Person I thought to be timid and kind, has filled his head with stormy air of ego...


tsktsk..

The Teacup

Im really thanking Mr. Kong for helping me through this time. I've been browsing through his past articles, and not a single one fails to inspire me or realize something. I wish I can thank him personally but the only way I can do so now is to spread his lessons..

Another inspiring anecdote shared by Mr. Francis Kong...

***

The Teacup

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and specially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, “May we see that? We’ve never seen one quite so beautiful.” As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke.

“You don’t understand,” it said. “I haven’t always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, ‘let me alone’, but he only smiled, ‘Not yet’.

Then I was placed on a spinning wheel,” the teacup said, “and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. “Stop it! I’m getting dizzy!” I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, ‘Not yet’.

Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why He wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head ‘Not yet’.

Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. ‘There, that’s better,’ I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Stop it, stop it!’ I cried.

He only nodded, ‘Not yet’.

Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, ‘Not yet’.

Then I knew there wasn’t any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, ‘Look at yourself’. And I did. I said, ‘That’s not me; that couldn’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful.’

‘I want you to remember, then,’ he said, ‘I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you’d have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you wouldn’t survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you.’

***

Dissatisfaction at work, betrayal by a friend, loss of someone we love, etc.., getting through these sure is hard. It will bruise our heart and may at times let us feel like we can no longer move on.

But let's try to remember that God never give us trials that we can't pass. Sounds cliche but true.

I'm trying to learn this day by day. And it's not easy. Adult problems, as I come to realize, are never easy to bear. But with God's guidance I know I can do it. I can surpass it all and break a smile after. And hopefully, all the lessons I'll gather along the way will be kept in mind, and shared to others.

(click for article source --> http://franciskong.com/inspiration/the-teacup/)

Mid-week thoughts

It's a wednesday again, mid of the week. And it's the first day of July, start of the other-half of the year. I can't believe how fast time really flies.

First half of the year is over, next week (July 7), I'll be celebrating my one year stay here in the company. See? I can be patient if I wanted to. Despite all my whinings and complaints I've stayed.

I think it was yesterday when I told Christine I might stay here for the rest of the year. Even though I know that my work here weigh less compared to my other officemates, I still can't bear to leave them, especially now that we'll simultaneously open three of our projects.

My pride is another reason. I want to be able to see our projects open and be able to tell everyone that "Hey! I'm one of those guys who built that!.." Well, not literally you know, I'm not a construction worker. But I'm part of the head group who made the project possible.

Christine said I should be proud. Now that I'm turning 1 year in Eton. She said it's really an accomplishment to be able to last a year for a first job. Hmm..maybe. But I guess I would have feel much better if my stay has been fun and rewarding.

Yes, rewarding. This is the term I've always wanted to attach when asked how my work was. Not "terrible", "frustrating", and "depressing".

They said I should wait. That this is just a temporary set-up. Later on, when all the projects are officially open I'll be given more responsibilities, more chance to explore my capabilities, test my passion, if i'm really meant for this job.

I hope they're right. I don't want to be proven right when I finally realize staying in this job, and company, is really just a waste of time and stagnating myself..

Holiday Calendar for Lovers

Found this website today - http://www.buhaykorea.com/. These past few days i became really fascinated with Korea (its history, culture, and values) what with the Oriental Dreamers Series of Korea and me learning to speak (?) their language. Anyway, this is a blogsite of a filipina wed to a Korean and now residing in Seoul.

I find it really amusing (in fact, me and an officemate we're laughing our heads off and giving snide comments while reading this) and enlightening..hehe Why enlightening? well, I'm really fond of watching Korean dramas and i find some of the scenarios there weird and corny, or out of this world.

I started reading her posts under the "Only in Korea" tag becasue i want to know how Korean culture and beliefs really differ from ours. And I found this one...

***

LIST OF "14TH DAY" HOLIDAYS FOR KOREAN LOVERS

January 14: Diary Day - The day of presenting your lover with a cute diary and a basket of flowers

February 14: Valentine’s Day - The day when girls and women present their boyfriends with chocolate and confess their love

March 14: White Day - The day when boys and men present their girlfriends with chocolate and confess their love

April 14: Black Day - The day when people who have no lovers eat black Chinese noodles together

May 14: Rose Day - The day when lovers present each other with roses to express their love

Yellow Day - The day when those who were unable to eat black noodles on Black Day go to eat yellow curry rice

June 14: Kiss Day - The day when lovers kiss to confirm their love

July 14: Silver Day - The day when lovers exchange silver rings to make a promise for the future

August 14: Music Day - The day of presenting a CD with love songs

September 14: Photo Day - The day when lovers take pictures to keep memories of their love

October 14: Wine Day - The day when lovers drink wine and share love

November 14:Movie Day - The day when lovers go to see a movie holding hands

Hug Day - The day of giving hugs to your loved ones

December 14: Money Day - The day of spending generously for your lover

***

Well there's a disclaimer at the original article (http://www.buhaykorea.com/2009/02/13/14th-of-every-month/) that says some of these holidays are not really celebrated and some of it are just made up by opportunistic businessmen for gullible Koreans.

Anyway I still find it hilarious and ridiculous in a way. But who am I say to question, right? Love is a universal thing and people (and nations) has their own right to express it any way the want to..

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

***

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the was jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “Yes.”

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things— God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions— and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter– your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else— the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

***

Original article on this link --> http://franciskong.com/personal/mayonnaise-and-coffee/

Still bothered..='(

Still bothered over my fight with mama. I'm really deeply hurt with all the things she said. Things that in my ears seems to imply that I pale in comparison to my other siblings, in terms of sense of responsibility.

I admit I did seem to be irresponsible these past few months. There are times that I fail to give money to them. Or do my household chores.And I sometimes prioritize hanging out with my friends at times. But its not as if I do it regularly. I never go out every week, duh!

What bothers me are all the things she said. Said on purpose just to hurt me.

Why do we always say such harsh things when we're angry? I think verbal assault are more powerful than physical. When you hurt someone physically, wounds heal easily. And he/she can defend himself/herself, or they can just run away to avoid the attack.

But when its words, words coming from people you love, trust, and respect, it penetrates deeply. So deep you won't even knoew how long it takes to forget and forgive.
I wanted to run away. But I can't. All I can do is to avoid her as much as possible. I wanted to act nonchalantly but its impossible...

Birthday Bash

Just turned 21 last monday. *sigh* I'm now officially an adult. Geesh!! Anyway, had an advanced birthday bash last saturday. Here are our pics in Bosay Resort, Antipolo City.

ENJOY!!!

MMG taking a pose at the resort's signage



Shower first MMG!






while taking a refreshing dip at the resort's 4 pools

Syempre mawawala pa ba ang videoke sa celebration? lol..=)

Nice pose Peeg!

I just need to post this one, here's Kay and Bals (on the phone..;D)

Jo, Me, Kay

Blow your cake (there's no candle eh..hehe) birthday girl!

Tsibugan nah!!!

Simpleng handa...

***

Thanks for making my birthday extra special and tons of fun MMG! =)

Some things I definitely SHOULD learn...

- When you plan to get even with someone, you're just letting that person continue to hurt you

- The easiest way to grow as a person is to surround yourself with people smarter than you.

- Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile =)

- That LOVE, not TIME, heals all wounds

- No one is perfect until you fall in love with them

- Life is tough, but I'm tougher! (Got to make this my daily mantra!)

- When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere

- One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them

- A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks

- That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what to do about it

- Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. (Miley C., is that you? ;D)

- That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation

- The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done

- When you're in love, it shows

- Being kind is more important than being right

- One should never say "no" to a gift from a child

- One can always pray for someone when you don't have the strength to help him in some other way

- No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with

- Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart who understands

- Life is like a tissue paper, The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes

- We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we asked for

- Money doesn't buy class

- It's those small daily happenings that makes life so spectacular

- Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be loved and appreciated (reminds me of you Kay..;D)

- The Lord didn't do it in one day, what makes me think I can??

***
Thanks Len for sharing this email. This inspires me to make my own list of lessons in life. Will get to that soon..=)

I wish I could just run away

Sana nga pwede na lang ako umalis. Somewhere I will be free.

Free to decide for myself, go wherever I wanna go, do as I please.

Why do we have to say harsh things to hurt those we love?

And afterwards you expect me to act as if nothing happened? Na parang di ako nasaktan sa lahat ng sinabi mo.

Alam ko namang hirap kayo. Hirap din ako.

Napapagod na ko na araw-araw na lang gigising ako ng sobrang aga, magmamadali papasok sa opisina para hindi ma-late. Only to endure the whole day having my boss remind me how incompetent I am, or how he dislike me, my officemates refusing to train me or explain to me how to do better with my job, treat me like some sort of an outcast because I don't matter, my work doesn't matter compared to theirs. And my closest friend at work won't bother to listen to me, she makes everything of me an excuse to talk about herself. I'm sick of my work! And come 7PM, I'm still on a rush to go home. Kailangan kasi umuwi ng maaga, ma-late lang kasi ko ng 30minutes ng uwi, nagte-text na kayo agad kung nasan ako, iniisip na naglakwatsa na naman ako. Araw-araw na lang ganito! Magmamadali papasok, magmamadali pauwi! Hindi ba pwede na paminsan-minsan i-enjoy ko din naman ang pera ko? Para mawala naman ang pagod ko? Lahat ng hinanakit ko sa opisina??

Alam ko din na hindi talaga ko regular na nagbibigay sa inyo. But who said that we shouldn't feel obliged to give? Who said then that just enjoy our job, give something just when you have extras? Sino ba ang nagsabi na naiintindihan nila na maliit lang sweldo ko? Kung alam ko lang na pera lang pala ang problema sana sinabi mo agad. Lahat ng galit mo sakin laging sa pera nauuwi.

"Ang ate mo kahit kakarampot ang kinikita, nagbibigay yan ng tag-500php, 1000php! Nung may trabaho pa yan, parehas lang naman kayo ng sweldo pero walang palya sa pag-abot sakin!! Yung last na sweldo nya andyan na lahat yan sa tindahan!!! Lagi mo sinasabi na wala ka pera pero lagi kang may tinatabi para sa mga laboy mo!!!..."

Let me just explain. I was at the Oriental Dreamers gathering last night. No entrance fee. Our transpo was even paid by Nang Joy. Ngayon eto ba yung ginagastusan kong laboy???

"Ano bang mapapala mo sa brown org brown org na yan?? Wala ka namang mapapala dyan! Kikita ka ba jan???!! Sali kayo ng sali dyan wala naman kayong nagagawa sa bayan! Puro lang kayo salita!!!!.."

I still can't believe she said these to me. All along I thought she's very supportive. I was really hurt. I thought they would all support me with this. The only thing that's making me feel important nowadays. The only thing that makes me feel I am capable of something. All along she never really approved. Sana sinabi na lang nya...

"Napaka-iresponsable mo! Burara ka pa!!
Nadi-disappoint ako sayo!!??!!..."

If that's how you're feeling, well, allow me to say that I am also disappointed. This is the last stroke. I won't say that I will turn my back from all my responsibilities in this family. Because I'm not irresponsible. And I'll prove to you that I am not what you think of me. If you think Ate, and all my other siblings are better than me, so be it. I cannot make you think otherwise. Hindi ko rin ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko...

End of a legend : King of pop has moved on...

Yeah, it was a shocking news to receive so early in the morning.

At 50, Michael Jackson passed away.

Hayy..so sad. Hmm..I can't seem to make an appropriate tribute to him. I mean he was not in my generation and I never really knew him so well. Except for some of his music.

But still, as I said, he was THE King of Pop.

And that makes him a big music icon, a legend in that aspect.

In line with the Beatles and elvis Presley, I think..

And well,despite all the allegations about him, he's still worthy of remembering..

Kudos to Michael jackson!

aND FAREWELL!

Manhater-ism Doubled

If my friends will be asked where can they find a certified walking manhater in this planet, all finger will be pointed to me.

And I will, quite indignantly protest that I am not! I don't hate men. I'm just cautious.

I often said that men are indeed a chauvinistic bunch. All men are born to collect women. All the guys I know still courts other girls even if they are already committed.

Except my father that is. Oh, that was, rather.

I used to have this disillusion that my father was some sort of a saint. Except for his being a perfectionist, I never got the chance to see him making mistakes, any trait impairment of kind.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

See, until now his infidelity still doesn't sink in completely. I don't know if that's the reason why I can't hold a grudge against him. Inspite of witnessing how this affects my mother,our whole family. It's really odd. But it seems like I symphatize more with my father than with my mother. I don't know. Maybe because its clear to me that when it comes to the point wherein we have to choose whom shall we go with, my father or my mother, all of us will choose to stay with my mom. And him? I don't know where he will go. And no way will I let him go with his other woman.

And as what I told my sister, I don't care if he's not telling the truth. I will still believe him. I used to say to my friends that when my future husband do that to me, no further discussion, I will call it quits between us right then and there.

But its different pala if you're the kid. It's better to live a lie than to suffer a broken home. As much as possible, you'd want to keep the family intact. Go on like nothing's happened if possible.

But its much too different when you're the wife. Nothing will ever surmount the feeling of betrayal and cheat by the husband. I can't begin to understand how my mother is feeling. So I guess, I cannot blame her for being drunk almost everyday. For closing her doors to any explanation by my father.

I don't know when the wound be totally healed.

As for me, considering marriage has gone to zero. Since I found out about my father's disloyalty, thinking of getting married always ends up to a scene like this. I can't shake the thought of my husband eventually having another woman.

Now I can generalize that all men are womanizers, no more exemptions. Because even my saintly father is
capable of doing just that...

Here I go again

Welcome to my flip-flop work moods. Just last monday I experienced this ultimate hate feel for my job. That I even considered resigning (big fat hairy suprise..tsktsk). Then Mau came to the rescue by making me believe I matter in this division and letting me join one of her meetings and tour me around our project. And now, here I go again. (big fat hairy surprise, part2).

I'm blaming Sir Bal for this flop. Well, right now, all my officemates are in the conference room, meeting about God-knows-what (I am never informed!). And here I am, taking the time off to blog.

I was blogging/chatting peacefully and quite contentedly, when all of a sudden he asked me this question that never fails to trigger my mood wheel to start turning.

"Ba't wala ka dun? Ba't iniwan ka ng mga officemates mo?"...

Oh please! It's really infuriating. Can't he see that this neglection is already hurting me to the highest level?? This feeling of being the constant left-out is really taking its toll. And yet all people still ask.

Ocular site visit? project groundbreaking? launching? meetings? :: all present, me? left to man the office.

It's too much...

Note: Don't be surprise if next week my mood will be up. Well, welcome to my flip-flop moods...

Me through Balsky's eyes

I'm on self-reflecting mode. How does my friends see me? Is their image of me same as how I envision myself ?

Family Affair

I never thought this could happen in my life. An overused plot in every movies and telenovelas. I've seen it happen to celebrities, read it in the magazines, shared the pain of some friends and even relatives who suffered the same problem.

But not once did I thought it will happen to me.

My father have another woman.

An ex-girlfriend it appears to be. I can't get myself to divulge any of the matters we've discussed as a family last night. It was too too painful.

How does one start over?

When does the healing start?

How can I look into his face again without seeing the betrayal? The pain he caused us too much?

Can one really forgive when the pain won't even be truly washed out?

I'm turning 21 in a few days. I'm done studying. I have a job, not a job I like, but at least I have one. I know when worse comes to worst and we need to break up, I know I can handle it. It will really be painful but I can handle it. Me and my ate can handle it.

We were able to spend more than two decades of our lives living a perfect life in a perfect family. I guess we've had our share of the love and care we needed to lead the rest of our lives. We were happy for the past years.

But how about our younger sister and brother? They barely finish their high school years. They need now more than ever the guidance of a complete set of a family. They'll never understand at their young age why our father did that. I don't even want to think how this will affect their lives and their future decisions.

I'm scared to think of what will happen to us. I don't want to visualize the options set by my mother last night. I don't want to have my family break up.

My family's tearing apart in my face and I can't do a thing to stop it.

Oddly enough, I can't feel any hatred towards my father. Call me naive but I believe every word he said, and I'll continue believing every word he will say. No matter what that woman claims.

Deep inside I'm hurting to see my father cry almost breathlessly. To hear my mother cry in anguish. She'll never forgive my father now. I know, no matter how much she love us, she never will.

It's the first time I ever see them like this. We've had our fair share of arguments, petty quarrels, confrontations..but this one..it's too different.

I wanted to protect them both. Protect them from continuing hurting each other. I want to protect my siblings. The time I cried so hard last night was when I saw my brother and sister cry. See the confusion and pain in their eyes.

It's too much.

How can one woman destroy 24 years of strong bond?

Were we just living a lie? Is it true what that woman says that my father never really love my mother? That all these 24 years he was loving this woman?

I'm starting to think it was my fault. I never been the best daughter to them. Never the best sister to my siblings. I never communicated to God so fervently. I've been too self-centered. Focused on my own selfish problems.

Is God punishing me now? Because I'm really sorry. I know in time I'll suffer the consequence of my actions. But I never thought it will be like this.

I don't want this family to separate. I want to start over.

Though I know, deep inside, it will never ever be the same again...

Three messages

How could I felt so happy last night when all along I was bound to know this devastating truth?

It was two months ago when my parents had this BIG confrontation. Complete with the shouting and complains, blaming each other for that mess. When in fact, to my ears, it was all so simple. I thought it will end soon. And things will turn back to normal. Two months have passed and things just got worse. They no longer talk to each other. Our house, though can still be heard of laughters, still feels empty. My father is a constant hindrance to our complete happiness. We were always weary of his moods, careful of our words and actions, because he gets mad easily, shouting at us over simple matters.

My parents became civil with each other. No more fighting. No more talking. They come and go our house like two strange people. Not like two people once so in love with each other, strengthening the more than two decades of marriage. Then yesterday, my sister came to me saying that our parents were talking upstairs. She didn't caught any words except these : " Sa susunod mo sakin sabihing mali ako.." said my mother.

I asked my mother when she went downstairs if they did talked. She said yes, but won't disclosed anything to me. She just said that she caught him. Caught him what?? I asked her. But she just won't explain anything. She said that what they've discussed was between the two of them only.

And I became suspicious. Because never once did my mother won't relate to us, her children, their problems. She always believed in transparency when it comes to family matters.

That night, I saw them talking, side by side each other on the bed. So I thought, everything's ok. That they've finally straighten out their differences. Finally, we'll be able to go back to what we were.

It was all in vain because just this morning, my curiosity got the best of me. When my father left this morning, I checked on his cellphone. I read his inbox..nothing. I was about to put it back when I decided to check his Sent Items.

I saw three sent messages that confirmed my suspicions. And I was devastated. My mind just got completely blank. And tears stareted welling down my eyes. I don't know how to react, I don't want to think.

All my life I look up to my father. I boast to my friends how I have the best father in the world. Caring, thoughtful, a good provider, very kind, very honest.

All of it was shattered because of those messages.

How could he do this to us? How can he let it happen? Why my family?

In my mind I also can't believe how my mother's reacting. I overheard her tell my father this morning (while I was upstairs changing), to keep his cellphone. Why? Because she's afraid i'm gonna find out? why is she protecting him anyway?

Maybe because she knew she never was the perfect wife material to him.

For Pete's sake they weren't sleeping in the same bed for years! And I just thouhgt it was just normal.

Why is this happening to my family? What's gonna happen to us?

I know now that i'll never be able to look at my father the same way again. I don't think I can give him the respect he deserved.

I don't think I'll be able to forget...

Daydreaming sleep

This weather is really bringing my blues several notches up. On a normal day it usually takes me 15 minutes to force my eyes open and another 15 minutes to sit up and start my day.

Now that the air is biting cold and its raining hard, time used in conditioning (more like forcing) myself to wake up and go to work has doubled.

*sigh* I can just imagine my bed embracing me more, my pillow making themselves extra soft to drown me in comfortness, the distant pitter-patter of the rain outside lulling me to sleep again.

Oh how I long to be in bed right now, with a good book in hand. I'll just make myself a really sweet cup of hot choco, cuddle my pillows, and cover me with comforter.

Oh, sleep-sleep, why are you tempting me like this? Stop yawn, you're not helping.

...Zzzzzzz...

Gushing Gratitude..thanks Pan! :-)

I group-emailed some of my friends yesterday to share with them my misery here because I can't seem to talk to anyone of them on YM. Seems like all of them were busy unlike me.

This was me feeling so miserable with work yesterday:

Hey busy kayo? Hay..wala kasi ko makausap. I just feel so miserable again. One of those work blues siguro. I'm just tired of doing these things. Na wala naman akong na-aaccomplish talaga. I feel so useless and neglected. I'm so tired of this company pero wala namang nag-rerespond sa mga ina-applyan ko . Lagi na lang the vacancy has been filled or you're not the person we're looking for right now. Hayy! Feeling ko super rusty na ng brain ko from not being allowed to function for 11 months. *sigh* Sabi ko nga sa officemate ko kung ito lang pala ang trabahong mabibigay nila sakin, they might as well hire a highschool graduate. Not a degree holder. I just feel like I'm wasting my time here. I gave it siguro 20 chances na. Pero I'm just not happy. Hay naku maz, I know I told you I'll give it a month. Just bear with me for now, hindi ko lang kasi kaya na naman. Feeling ko magwawala ako pag di ko to nailabas..*peace Alam mo yung feeling na you've stayed in one place for several months , made friends with everybody, yet it seems you still don't belong. Na lumipas yung 11months ng wala akong natutunan. I don't even feel like myself anymore. Hindi na ako yung driven and idealistic worker that I think I was before. Yun lang, I feel like I'm losing myself here. And I wanted the old me back..:-(
(Xenxa po, la lang talaga ko maka-usap..hayy>

And this is Pan's reply to my gripes :

There is nothing wrong with trying to make it work. You did great! You were courageous to give it another try for countless times. Like what you told me, some things are never meant to last. If this is not meant for you, gather up all your strengths and faith to move out and face the outside world with a smile. Place yourself as your priority. Do things that will make you happy. If one thing just keeps holding you back, let go. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness for something that is unsure in our life.Everything will be fine, in due time. I always think that way.Everything has its place and that place will have everything that youneed to feel happy and contented.
Tho it sounds like I'm emoting, I think these apply to you too. =)

Thanks Pan! Just when I thought nothing will make me smile, this email did..=)

Desperately seeking motivation

Look, I'm not saying that I'm carrying in my back all the burden in the world and neither am I claiming that I'm the unhappiest and the most unlucky person on earth.

I'm just unhappy with the way things are going on for me here at work. Unsatisfied because it limits me. Because i'm not doing anything that will require me to think. I'm miserable because I'm losing myself in here. I'm desperate because I miss the old me. And I want it back.

And now here comes an email from a friend (whom I've confided with all my frustrations all this time) saying that I should consider myself lucky compared to the sufferings experienced by some unfortunate people in China and Africa.

I know for sure that they suffer greatly and my problem is incomparable to them.

But hello? In the first place, should they be compared?

I don't think so.

I know that she sent me that email to provide me with a perspective that despite my worries, I can still consider myself fortunate. Fortunate to have a job despite the recession. Maybe her purpose is to somehow lift my spirits or whatever.

But apparently I'm not. It just pisses me off.

I know I'm bitching..so sue me!

No amount of encouragement and motivation, I think, will ever make me feel better. I'm just so so miserable.

Please God, help me with this. 11 months of literally dragging myself to work is taking its toll. I just can't take this anymore..=(

Premature Aging II

Is it the mirror or is it just me?

I did take a good look of myself in the mirror when we went to Watson's after lunch.

And my golly! I look hideous!! huhu..

Puffy eyes with large eyebags that looks like black pouches, dry and old skin (and full of impurities!), dry hair..
Well, I do look like a hag..haysst!!

I'm starting a new project now.

Major Make-over: Make me look like my age or younger!

Premature Aging

There. Now I know. And I shall begin to understand. Now that someone already say it to my face.

I don't look my age. I look 10 years older than 20.. Waah!!

That's why every one calls me "ate"..huhu

Hmm..is it my everyday outfit? or my built? or my facial features?? or maybe because I look tired and serious all the time??

And to think all this time I only thought it to be maturity. Duh! It's not maturity..its AGING!!!

Talk about premature aging..*sigh*

I should take a good look of myself in front of the mirror. Analyze myself and look for ways to make me look younger..

I mean how can I enjoy my youth if I don't look like it???!!!

Hard-earned Lessons

I know. I know. I should be posting my thoughts here regularly. But well, I guess things have been outright busy. Anyway, so much things has happened.

I finished a book at Powerbooks (without having the need to pay! heehee), my family's had a confrontation ending to our present situation where my mom and dad decided to just be civil with each other (but I do hope we'll be able to go back to how we were then, this house seems to be empty without our constant laughter and talks). Oddly, I miss my dad though he's always around the house. I almost gave up with my work, attended the oriental series (organized by brownraise org), and decided to give my job a chance..AGAIN (thanks to the insights provided by the talk). I decided I wanted to go back to school and pursue Asian Studies (in Diliman, of course). It's my way of living up to Rizal's legacy to never stop learning. Well, just to realize its too late for me to enroll for the coming semester (like I have the money to enroll anyway..hehe). So what I do? I registered at an online language tutorial (http://www.livemocha.com) and teach myself how to speak Korean.

There. I summarized all the happenings for the past weeks since I last logged in.

It was indeed a rough ride. Life's been tough. But life, as I realized, along with the waves embeds a certain mark of maturity and lessons. Marks we'll never be able to achieve from a smooth-sailing ride.

I learned to :

- SAVE - always prepare for a rainy day. Or a storm. No one knows when it'll come. And its good to know where your hard-earned money goes.

- ORGANIZE - Aside form the big 3 things I never leave the house with (wallet, ID, and cellphone), I now add my planner and a handy notebook with me EVERYDAY. It keeps me focused. And since I daydream and think a LOT, it helps me keep track of my ideas.

- be PROACTIVE - I now am planning for my future. So I'm partnering with fellow
business-minded friends in coming up with the perfect business plan. Do hope we'll be successful *fingers-crossed*

Annyong Hi Kye Se Yo!!! ;-)

What's with LAW anyway?

Why is it that everyone I know seems to consider taking up law after college? First izay, now its peeg. And some batchmates I know are planning to take up law as well this coming semester.

And now I'm thinking: Why haven't I given it a thought? And there's this awkward feeling of jealousy..again..
Shucks! Why is it that when someone I know seems to have a complete control of their life I get envious?

Well, apparently its because up to now I still don't have a clear vision of what I wanted to do. And everyone's plan is better than mine.

At least ANY plan is better than NO PLAN AT ALL.

So hello?? Can someone please enlighten me on how to steer my life towards the right direction? And not to continue enjoying this joyride to nowhere?

Eton Blues

How many times have i told myself to try to be more positive about my work? to embrace what I'm doing and make the most out of it. Try to learn everything because maybe, just maybe.. I'll eventually learn to love this job and everything about it. I tried cheering myself up so I'll have some drive to go to work, organize my mind- path so things will just flow smoothly once I set my foot here.It was all in vain, because after a week or a few days i'll start feeling this weathering work blues again.

The fact is, I hate this job.

When I graduated I admit I had no clear vision on what path I would take. No particular industry I would want to pursue. So I settled on the first job that will take me.

All I know was that I wanted to do marketing. And I still do.

I just wanted to learn how things are done in the corporate world. Learn more about my craft.

Bottom line is, I wanted to learn.

And apparently, Eton is not giving me that.I mean, I guess I can accept this lowly job with ease if only they'll teach me something. Despite being constantly neglected by everybody in my department, especially by my boss, inspite of the low salary, long working hours, I believe I can put up with that as long as I'm learning.

Only consolation I'm getting here is that there's a comfort room at the far-end of the hallway outside the office. The last cubicle there serves as my sanctuary of tears whenever i needed it, my only loyal friend here. It's my only witness how I suffer emotionally here. The only place I can cry my eyes out. Where I can pour my frustrations to.

How pitiful.

I do hope I never have to visit it again. Never will I cry because of work again.

Please dear God, help me appreciate this. It's the only job I have now. And you know how hard it is to find another one at times like this. Please, please, make me love this job.

Para kay B (and a glimpse of my love story)

“Me quota ang pag-ibig. Sa bawat limang umiibig, isa lang ang magiging maligaya. Ang iba, iibig sa di sila iniibig. O iibig nang di natututo. O iibig sa wala. O di iibig kailanman.. - PARA KAY B"

<There's a quota in loving. Of the five people who will love, only one will be truly happy. Others, will love those who'll never love them back. Or love without learning. Or love nothing. Or will never love at all..>

This is the rather infamous quote from this literary piece by Ricky Lee.

Let's consider that his theory does holds true. Who am I among these five?

I admit I am one of those people who have never experienced how it is to be in love. Yeah, a true blue NBSB (read : No Boyfriend Since Birth). At my age, people won't believe me when I told them that. And I usually steer myself away from that discussion. A string of questions just always follows. Questions even I can't seem to answer. Questions I too ask myself at times.

When I was young, a guy broke my heart. He was THE ideal boyfriend of anyone's teenage years. A basketball star, blessed with good looks and a gentleman personality, all brawns and brains. A certified heartthrob. There's one glitch though, he was some kind of a womanizer. Well, make that a lot.

But you know how girls are, the more bad boy a guy be, the more attractive he appears in our eyes. Its like we wanted to be the one to capture his heart and tame his wild persona.

So I fell for him. Because then, I was a plain girl, who excel some in academics, but really shy and more like a wall flower. Like the lowly production assistant amongst the movie stars. See? Of all the gorgeous girls in my class, girls whose going gaga over him, he decided he'll take me instead.

Little did I know he'll soon break my heart. That he'll choose another girl. A girl who turned out to be one of my best friends.

Well, what's done is done. And it surprised me how easily I got over him. Realized it was my pride he'd hurt, not my heart.

But funny though it is, I can't seem to lose the wall I put as protection around my heart.

Don't get this all wrong, I do fall for some guys after him. It's not like I let myself turn into a monk or something. But I can't seem to take anymore chances. When I'm on the verge of saying "yes", something always holds me back.

So at my age, I have never truly loved anyone. Nor give anyone a chance to really love me. And at this point, no one seems to be getting close to taking down THE wall.

Hey! Hey! Does that mean I belong to the "or will love nothing" ???

Or worse.. those who "will never love at all"???

25 Random Things

1.) Extremely bored with work (that at the end of the day, people here in the office are breathing in carbon dioxide because I exhale too much..*sigh)
2.) Can watch Doraemon and Spongebob squarepants the whole day without interruption
3.) Never learned how to ride a bicycle
4.) Hates the color pink
5.) Loves to sing but never in front of an audience
6.) Is now on her heaviest weight..huhu
7.) Addicted to Fit 'n Right (pine orange and pineapple..hehe)
8.) An out-door person and loves exploring different places
9.) A water-person but not exactly a good swimmer
10.) Greatest fear is rejection
11.) A certified nationalista! :-)
12.) Wants to be a member of the brown raise org, AHON foundation and Haribon Foundation
13.) Easily swayed by gentlemanly gestures
14.) Dream odd-job is to be a MRT Train operator
15.) don't know how to cook
16.) loves carbonara so much!
17.) and any dish with red sauce..~_^
18.) greatest fear is rejection and being humiliated in front of many people
19.) i can only eat alone when around people i don't know or in a place where nobody knows me (e.g. in foodcourts, restauraurant; never can i be seen eating alone in office cafeteria, etc...)
20.) i love watermelon and pineapple
21.) had always been one of the tallest girl in her class
22.) NBSB (No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth member
23.) quite irritatingly opinionated in almost all things
24.) took me 4 days just to finish this post!
25.) stagnant, frustrated, neglected : 3 words to describe myself today

Waah!!! I'm so bored!!!

2009 Goals

I was struck with insight tonight. I've fallen asleep on the way home while gazillion things occupy my mind. Upon waking up, I realized why I have lots of things I'm aiming to accomplish yet none of it seems to be happening. I remember that goals should be "smart" (yey! thanks to Sir Rog).

S - specific
M - measurable
A - attainable
R - realistic
T - timely

So I decided to re-visit my mind of all those things I wish to achieve and identify which is a priority. I succeeded to name my Top 5 and so, here it is:

1.) Pass the civil service exam
2.) Have at least Php 30,000.00 in my bank account
3.) Get my drivers license
4.) Start my own business or partner with other MMG or with my Ate
5.) Go out of town with my family for vacation

Hmm..I guess all the rest are easy except #2. With my basic pay with Eton, it will be close to impossible. So I guess I really need to work on my #4..hehe

Now my life is starting to shape-up. May God give me discipline to accomplish all these..:-)

Missing my cousins

Its a sleepy hot afternoon but I don't feel like napping. It made me realize how quiet this house is without the usual buzz of my younger siblings (they're left at the bicol vacationing, lucky them!) and the adorable shrieks and giggles of my baby cousins.. Oohh..I totally miss them...



WARNING : Love for the camera runs in the family.. *wink

Macho Men

Ooops...what's with this???


Hardworking call center cuties


Drama princes

Mwah!!!

Bonding time..:-)

Mama, Bitoy, and Me doing the underrated PEACE sign

Ate Mae and Biboy

Guess what we're doing..hehe

Wahaha!

Let me share this video of them two..KAKA-GIGIL!!!! hahaha!

Aren't they the cutest? Miss them so much...:-(