Another added to my list

He's avoiding me. He's not speaking to me, nor even glance my way. I don't know why.

But why am I even wondering? I mean, I don't like him, right? I thought I already made that clear to him. And my self too.

He's nothing but a player.

The very type of guy I should be avoiding. He'll only hurt me anyhow.

I hate it. Hate the way I always search his name in fb. Look at his profile, see what he's doing.

And then what? Found out that he's into some other girl. Sorry, its girls.

Why am I hurt? I shouldn't be, right.

I hate it. I hate the way he make me feel this way without intending to. Like he never even told me he like me. All the things he said, all of those are just things that comes out naturally from a flirt.

He's a certified flirt. And I hate that I fall for it. And what piss me off is that I let him. When all along I know that he's really like that. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I know what I signed up for when I began responding to him.

He's not even good looking. :(

I guess I will never find someone I can really trust. He's just another guy who adds up to the list of my reasons why I remain single until now.

Maybe the only time that I'll be able to open my heart to someone is when I start accepting the fact that I will never be the only one. That there will always be 'another' woman.

I hate this doubts. I want to learn how to trust. I want to know how it feels to love and to be loved. I mean, c'mon, I'm already 22y/o. I should have at least been in one relationship.
But everytime something good happens, my wall comes up automatically.

I just can't let myself be happy for once.

Is fleeting bliss really worthy of a lifetime unhappiness?

new year blues

why do i feel so gloomy all of a sudden? what happened in the house just affects everything i do. my work, my plans.. why can't we stay happy and at peace with each other just once.

i do know its my fault as well. i've never been a good daughter to my father. i don't know why. and i can't go on blaming his mistake before. because how i deal with him has always been the same ever since i reach my teenage years. maybe even earlier than that, i'm not so sure.

why can't i respond to him lovingly, or even just give a decent answer when he question me about anything that's happenign in my life?

i do feel sorry about that. and God knows how i want to change. maybe i just need to want it more because i can't seem to change.

i don't want to wait til everything's over.

i can't face that you know.

DEATH...

it's a really big word for me. i can't ponder on this for long, i just can't.

i need to change but i don't know how. i don't know where to start. i don't even know if i can muster enough courage to look my father in the eye and say "i'm sorry, and i want our family to start again.."

Wallowing thoughts again..

How many notes like this have I made for the past 2 years? Here I am on my third job, was quite contented for the past 3 months, and suddenly I woke up this afternoon feeling so pathetic.

Yes that's how my life seems since I left college..PATHETIC..

I'm not liking the girl I see everyday on the mirror. I can no longer recognize the person I become. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel useless, shallow, unproductive. There's this sinking feeling that what I did for the past 3 years is all afloat and go to wherever the waves of life pushes me to.

Don't get me wrong, I have all respect to every call center agents out there. I must admit, before, I thought it's the most lowly job there is and I will never, ever embarass myself by applying for this job. And look how fate made fun of me, I'm a call center agent now.

The job is fun. The environment, the people, the work itself, it all seems like a big playground to me. No stress, no pressure. A different game this time.

The thing is, I'm feeling like the excitement of this game will soon be gone. For how long?

I feel like I've been procrastinating since I've been here. Well, come to think of it, I've been feeling this way for almost three years.

I feel like I should be doing something. Doing what is still a question I've yet to answer.

The thing I'm most scared about is that, if I leave now, there's nothing waiting for me out there. I know I can never go back to a corporate job. Earning minimum wage, doing a meaningless job I know will get me nowhere.

So what's next for me???